Well, this is exciting! Today I received in the post a personal letter from “one of the greatest clairvoyants in France and throughout the world”, David Phild! You know, David Phild, Clairvoyance, Numerology, Astrology, Medium, Magical Sciences and Remedial Magnetism! And he has written to me with the thrilling news that all good things will come to me in 2012. Just consider this:

All January – General improvement

18 February – Enormous Money Win

In March – An encounter with love

All April – Lucky at gambling

One day in May – Huge success

In June – Luxury travel

July – A loved one returns

19 August – Big secret revealed

September – Colossal inheritance

October – Good health confirmed

November – Your luxury home

24 December – 12 Sumptuous Gifts

David’s letter was obviously delayed in the post by those scallywags at the Royal Mail, which explains why the predictions for the first quarter of the year didn’t come to pass. There is a very simple reason, which is, as David says, “Important! You will not succeed without your Celestial Owl. Ask for it immediately.” I am going to ask for my owl as soon as I have finished writing this, so at least the rest of the year will go according to plan.

What I like about David is that he does not raise false hopes. He takes pains to point out that by asking for the Owl of Celestial Protection I will not actually receive a real bird in the post. No, what I get will be more valuable than that – a medallion!

This Magnificent Golden Talisman of Great Value has Recognised powers of Protection from evil spells, from misfortune and from health problems.

The engraving and the consistency of your medallion make it one of the most powerful protection domes. It is recognised as fabulous by the greatest Grand Sages and Mediums in the World.

The catalysis of the golden metal and the structure of your skin will generate a variety of beneficial waves that will be your rampart against evil. Some vibrations extinguish witches’ spells as well as spite and bad rumours and tittle-tattle against you.

The very composition of the medallion provokes a type of recuperative energy that prevents you from wasting money and having to pay out amounts pointlessly that gradually plunge you into ruin. Under the protection of the Talisman, you will see that a single pound will enable you, under certain conditions, to live for as long as if you owned one hundred pounds.

The Owl can also reactivate your energy and your drive by inundating your cells with a redeeming force of renewal. You will be able to feel better, faster, and for longer, without any medical treatment.

Who wouldn’t want an owl like that?

David’s letter warns me that “what I am doing for you must remain our secret”, so very cleverly, the owl medallion is designed to look like a piece of cheap mass-produced tat., which clearly it is not. I contacted several Grand Sages, using ethereal powers not dissimilar to David’s, and they all confirmed that the Owl of Celestial Protection is absolutely the bee’s knees in the field of talismanic celestial protection through the medium of embossed owl on trinket. “There is no more powerful owl,” said one of these Grand Sages, whose name I didn’t quite catch, though I understand he resides on a mountain peak in a distant eastern realm, obscured by clouds.

I admit to being slightly disappointed that, fantastic as the owl is, David nowhere states that it is anything but silent, and emits no hoots. Quite frankly, even though my Owl of Celestial Protection is a free gift, I would prefer one that hooted. I am sure the construction of a battery-powered hooting medallion cannot be beyond David’s wit. If he needs financial help for its development and protection, he can use the thirty-two pounds I am sending him, as he requests, though nominally this sum is to guarantee my receipt of the Sublime and Detailed Revelation of the 12 Major Visionary Phases. As far as I can gather the free owl doesn’t work without the paid-for revelation, or vice versa. Perhaps I need to clear this up with the Grand Sages before committing myself.

POSTSCRIPT : I had the devil of a time trying to get in touch with the Grand Sages again, what with the weather and the aether and a severe case of the Blavatskys, so in desperation I turned to Het Internet. It made for interesting reading, not least in demonstrating just how selfless “dear David” is. While he is offering me a free owl which will protect me against “spite and bad rumours and tittle-tattle”, there is little else about him on the interweb except spite and bad rumours and tittle-tattle, much of it quite vicious. The man is sorely in need of his own owl, with or without battery-driven hooting. Indeed, I am so appalled at the contempt in which he is held, I have a good mind, as soon as I receive my owl in the post, to send it back to him, that he may be celestially protected from the brickbats of the spiteful hordes.

In the meantime, I have set to work on the design and production of a Hooting Yard Owl Medallion. Clutch it to your bosom, and you will be granted the power to scamper up mountainsides and shimmy up flagpoles and disport yourself in other high places, there to crow your unstinting devotion to Mr Key from dawn till dusk, and from dusk till dawn. Await your personalised letter, offering you this fabulous owl entirely free of charge except for the charge that has to be levied on the advice of Mr Key’s bank manager.