What do I want for Christmas? Why, a Saint Sebastian pin-cushion of course!

This and other splendid gift items are on display at The Ship Of Fools.

This is a guest post by celebrity beauty editor Nadine Baggott.

Hello. I’m celebrity beauty editor Nadine Baggott. I have long been a true fan* of Hooting Yard and it gives me great pleasure to endorse some products which I am sure other readers will find really make all the difference. When I was asked to choose some fantastic new prepackaged foodstuffs for a very complicated commercial tie-in venture between Hooting Yard and the God Mammon, I thought of that line from Hugh Selwyn Mauberly by Ezra Pound, about being “born / In a half savage country, out of date; / Bent resolutely on wringing lilies from the acorn”. I am half savage and bent resolutely myself, and it is a wonderful opportunity to move on from the world of pentapeptides, lovely as they are, to a different branch of the retail sector. So goodbye soothing face creams and hello boil-in-the-bag fishcake convenience foods!

Well, not literally, because those scrumptious fishcakes are made by a rival manufacturer which has not promised to pour funds into Mr Key’s so-called Hooting Yard Enterprise Zone. No, today I am here to recommend not one but two great new teatime novelty snacks from Hubermann’s Teatime Novelty Snacks range. And you won’t find any pentapeptides in either of them! First up we have Smokers’ Poptarts, delicious poptarts in two different flavours designed specially for smokers. Simply pop them in the toaster, light a fag, and voila!, before you can say “Hello, I’m celebrity beauty editor Nadine Baggott,” you’ll be sitting down to a plate of delicious smokers’ poptarts. Choose between bread pudding or synthetic bean curd flavours. Yum!

Did I say “Yum!”? Well, you’ll be saying it when you try out the other great teatime novelty snack. I’m talking about Flatpack Eggy Pork Scratchings. That’s right, the wonderful combination of powdered egg and pork substitute scratchings in a flatpack format. Simply remove from the carton, assemble, and you’ve got another great novelty snack for teatime. Warning: not suitable for children under the age of four.

Next week, if the cheque has cleared, I’ll be back to recommend some great new breakfast ready meals guaranteed free of genetically modified reconstituted potato pudding froth niblets.

*NB : Nadine subscribes to the definition of a “true fan” helpfully provided by Victoria Beckham: “I think it shows you are a true fan when you cry or pass out. When the paramedics are called I think that is a good sign.”