It is a splendid and common sense idea to subscribe to Hooting Yard and thus to make a regular monthly donation to Mr Key. There are four options, as follows:

Whichever option you choose, many thanks.

THE TINY ENID: £1 Per Month. This provides Mr Key with four bowls of basic slops, or one bowl of luxury slops (ie, basic slops with added gruel).

THE OLD HALOB: £5 Per Month. Named after fictional athlete Bobnit Tivol’s chain-smoking coach and mentor, this option pays for a pouch of acrid Serbian tobacco.

THE PEBBLEHEAD: £10 Per Month. This allows Mr Key to buy a bus pass to make regular trips to the municipal library chat ‘n’ snack zone to consult the few reference books that have not yet been thrown into a lime-pit.

THE DOBSON: £20 Per Month. The ubersubscription. Those choosing this option are guaranteed a place in Heaven, sitting between Christ and Mel Gibson, blasting thunderbolts at sinners, for ever and ever.

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