Last week, Mrs Gubbins suffered some sort of mental collapse and called in a team of consultants to overhaul the Hooting Yard â€œbrand imageâ€. The octogenarian crone put aside her knitting and got it into her head that what was needed was a brand new logo. â€œIt has to be punchy and zippy and bangy and crashy,â€ she drivelled, adding that she wanted something that a half-blind orphan child could reproduce with a crumbling crayon. I have no idea how much the consultants charged for their work, but knowing these charlatans it was probably thousands and thousands of pounds. When the invoice turns up I shall cast it into a waste disposal chute. Anyway, here is the new logo, based I am told on an illustration from an alchemical treatise of long, long ago.
Punchy, Zippy, Bangy, Crashy – aren’t they the names of characters from the infamous Belgium kid’s TV show ‘War Zone’? A mean-spirited bunch, make no bones about it, but they’re embarrassingly photogenic and would sell a corpse for a bride if you paid them in jellybeans.
How long will this evil crone be allowed to continue her reign of terror? It is well known that ‘La Gubbins’ has a propensity for badger maltreatment, and now she is searching for a brand logo ‘that a half-blind orphan child could reproduce’. Can no one else see that a scrivener’s sweat-shop, peopled by gruel-fed tinies, is but a heartbeat away? This fiendish plan must be nipped in the bud, Mr Key, I implore you.