Please note that access to HIMMELFARB is restricted. Within five seconds a new window will open, in which you should type your access code.

If you do not have an access code yet, where have you been? To get an access code, albeit a late one, you must subscribe to the HIMMELFARB Groupuscule Register. Your unique access code can be retrieved from the database when you receive a confirmation email, unless you are a seedy person, in which case it will be sent by carrier cyberpigeon.

Your access code is different from your password, but must be compatible. For help with access codes and passwords, and to check compatibility, you need to download a .pdf file from the HIMMELFARB Document Storage Mirror Site closest to you. A list of locations is available to unregistered users via wingrotesque.

If the new window has not opened within five seconds, there is either something wrong with your computer, or you have a deeply flawed personality. You may even be a seedy person. It is not unknown for the seedy and dissolute to try to gain access to HIMMELFARB, more’s the pity. But the system is robust and we have a proven track record of filtering out such deplorable specimens. Less sympathy, more deploring, that’s our motto. Much more deploring. Deploring and condemning.

To view the readme file on our vindictive methods of condemnation, you will need to install a plug-in. You can do this even if you are a deplorable and seedy person, because the software has been developed in full cooperation with the Holy See in Rome. Upon installation, your computer will be imbued with Virtual Sanctity (version 4.03) with automatic upgrades. If you are a confessor of a different faith, there is no hope for you, no matter how often you sprawl on your prayer mat or slaughter a sacrificial goat. You are advised to repent your sins before it is too late, and your raiment is torn in shreds and your mouth is filled with ashes.

We are always seeking to improve the quality of users’ HIMMELFARB experience, and we welcome feedback, so long as it is grammatically correct. Those of you who write in as if you were a teenage nitwit sending a text message on a mobile phone will be subject to condemnation so robust that you will wish you had never been born.

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