Every five years, Hooting Yard awards a prize for the best entry received in our Essay Competition. As ever, the subject matter of essays is in some wise related to potatoes. Entries must be at least ten thousand words in length, couched in majestic sweeping paragraphs, and executed in gorgeous handwriting. This year’s title is as follows:
“Potatoes were no food for a dying woman.” – Hannah Maria Jones, The Life Of A Murderer (1848). Discuss, with particular emphasis on potatoes and dying women.
The closing date is tomorrow.
Dear Mr Key
I am writing to apply for special consideration in the Hooting Yard essay competition.
As you know, QCA guidelines now state that all examinations, both written and viva voce, together with coursework assessments, kit inspections, essay competitions, talent contests, demonstrations of agility and obedience, and ordeals by fire, iron and water are all subject to a requirement to provide an Entitlement To All, regardless of creed or ability.
As the attached doctor’s certificate makes clear, my writing arm was caught in a threshing machine last week, which has made my handwriting crabbed to the point of illegibility. Also, my dear pet hamster Stronheim was done to death yesterday. Also, I am purblind. Also, I am culturally entirely unaware of potatoes.
As such, I request that I be considered for this prize without going through the tiresomeness of composing an essay.
I await your response with impatience.
Otto von Muttonchops
One cannot fail to applaud the idealism and unworldliness of the Hooting Yard Essay Competition, as it refrains from any meretricious attempt to coax contributions from its clientele by specifying the nature, quality, value etc. of the prize.
Please Sir the Grunty Man ate my essay…