This is a guest post by celebrity beauty editor Nadine Baggott.
Hello. Iâ€™m celebrity beauty editor Nadine Baggott. I have long been a true fan* of Hooting Yard and it gives me great pleasure to endorse some products which I am sure other readers will find really make all the difference. When I was asked to choose some fantastic new prepackaged foodstuffs for a very complicated commercial tie-in venture between Hooting Yard and the God Mammon, I thought of that line from Hugh Selwyn Mauberly by Ezra Pound, about being â€œborn / In a half savage country, out of date; / Bent resolutely on wringing lilies from the acornâ€. I am half savage and bent resolutely myself, and it is a wonderful opportunity to move on from the world of pentapeptides, lovely as they are, to a different branch of the retail sector. So goodbye soothing face creams and hello boil-in-the-bag fishcake convenience foods!
Well, not literally, because those scrumptious fishcakes are made by a rival manufacturer which has not promised to pour funds into Mr Keyâ€™s so-called Hooting Yard Enterprise Zone. No, today I am here to recommend not one but two great new teatime novelty snacks from Hubermannâ€™s Teatime Novelty Snacks range. And you wonâ€™t find any pentapeptides in either of them! First up we have Smokersâ€™ Poptarts, delicious poptarts in two different flavours designed specially for smokers. Simply pop them in the toaster, light a fag, and voila!, before you can say â€œHello, Iâ€™m celebrity beauty editor Nadine Baggott,â€ youâ€™ll be sitting down to a plate of delicious smokersâ€™ poptarts. Choose between bread pudding or synthetic bean curd flavours. Yum!
Did I say â€œYum!â€? Well, youâ€™ll be saying it when you try out the other great teatime novelty snack. Iâ€™m talking about Flatpack Eggy Pork Scratchings. Thatâ€™s right, the wonderful combination of powdered egg and pork substitute scratchings in a flatpack format. Simply remove from the carton, assemble, and youâ€™ve got another great novelty snack for teatime. Warning: not suitable for children under the age of four.
Next week, if the cheque has cleared, Iâ€™ll be back to recommend some great new breakfast ready meals guaranteed free of genetically modified reconstituted potato pudding froth niblets.
*NB : Nadine subscribes to the definition of a “true fan” helpfully provided by Victoria Beckham: “I think it shows you are a true fan when you cry or pass out. When the paramedics are called I think that is a good sign.”
I would like to add my recommendation to Ms Baggott’s on the subject of the Hubermann’s bean-curd smokers’ poptarts. They are really awesome – and I mean that in the true sense of the word awesome – I was struck dumb for a full hour as the towering symphony of flavours unfolded in my stunned gob. They’re not just for the smoker though. I myself was a lieflong non-smoker when I first tried these delicious treats. Now I smoke eighty, maybe a thousand cigarettes a day!