Four Films

Long, long ago, in what seems like another life, I used to be paid a pittance to write capsule film reviews. Since then, I have always had great respect for those who have mastered what is a bewilderingly difficult form, summarising a film (or a book, or a play, or whatever) in one or two sentences. I was prompted to recall my own faltering steps in the art by the television listings in today’s Guardian. There are four films on the terrestrial channels tonight, with only BBC2 eschewing cinema, in favour of snooker. And what an inspired choice the viewer has! Here are condensed versions of the (uncredited) capsule reviews:

BBC1, 11.20 : The Ghost And The Darkness : tedious adventure.

ITV1, 11.05 : Showtime : leaden action comedy.

Channel Four, 10.00 : Happy Gilmore : feeble sports comedy.

Five, 10.00 : The Glimmer Man : dull and cliché-ridden action thriller.

2 thoughts on “Four Films

  1. Long, long ago in what coincidentally also seemed like another life I thought I’d bee one of those “movie bloggers” – wide eyed mavens of pop culture to whom others turn to for advice on what the latest ‘hip’ movies were. Such was the jargon in those crazy days of my youth.

    Alas this could not last – I found the unrelenting tedium of virtually every product from the land of Holly and Wood unbearable and my reviews contained nothing but angst and bitterness. It seems that I was not fated to become the next Barry Norman, Jonathan Ross or any other colossus of the cinema review.

    I think that was the pinnacle of my reviewing era – after then it was a downhill spiral.

    I’d rather be spat upon by wretches than write another movie review.

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