This week in The Dabbler I pose a tricky problem one might encounter in the game of Spite, or Lantern Jaw as it is known in some circles. Amateurs ought not to be intimidated by the seemingly “expert” solutions posited in the Comments, all of which so far – to my eye, at least – have the fatal flaw of mistaking Spite for a card game. A simple enough error, I suppose, considering that the symbols

are employed, but any truly experienced Spiteologist will know that these denote something wholly different from the hearts and clubs and diamonds and spades of the standard card game, so different indeed that to gain a full understanding one needs to have one’s brain artificially modified by the Blötzmann Procedure, from whence there is no turning back. It is true that everyday life can become somewhat problematic after the modification, but the benefits to one’s Spite skills are immense and glorious and majestic, so only a pipsqueak would dare to complain or, ruinously, to pursue Blötzmann through the courts.