Earlier this week in The Dabbler, Brit reviewed Sweeper!, a novel by the foopballist Steve Bruce. Though I have yet to read the book itself, the review was enough for me to recognise genius. I added a comment, saying: “OK, that’s it. I am destroying everything I have written to date and starting all over again with Steve Bruce as my guide, my teacher, my inspiration.” If anybody thought I was joking, think again. In my cupboard today, you will find the first fruits of my new approach. It’s early doors, and I can’t pretend to have mastered the intricacies of the Brucesque method, but I am trying, I am trying.

Incidentally, astute readers will note a particularly clever metafictional sally in my piece. Brit points to Bruce’s repeated use of fundamental spelling inconsistencies in proper names, and is dismissive of the idea that these may be due to a lack of proofreading or copy editing. I have followed Bruce in giving my hero’s name in a number of variations, and I also refer more than once to the actor Bruce Willis. Not only is there a pleasing Bruce / Bruce echo, but of course Willis once reputedly wrote on an online forum the immortal words “proofreading is for pussies”. I leave you to untangle that one.