Hooting Yard has been threatened with closure by a pointyhead. And no, I don’t mean airhead “closure”, I mean real closure, shutting down, expungement from the web. This is apparently because our risk assessment protocols and strategies lack robustness and transparency. Mr Key asked the pointyhead where we were going wrong, and was told there was an unacceptable risk to “users” that their heads would become blunter and would need to be sluiced out with a whitewash-based fluid, or possibly some kind of gas.

Sticking up for your rights, Mr Key demanded that the pointyhead produce evidence to back up so foul an accusation. This was duly provided in the form of a cupboard full of documents, all of which had been signed by the pointyhead and countersigned by the pointyhead’s own pointyhead person. By skim-reading just one bulging Lever arch file, Mr Key learned that there was a whole hierarchy of risk tsars, risk rapporteurs, risk champions, risk adjudicators, and whatnot. It was like theology.

Mr Key set fire to the cupboard and pushed the pointyhead into a pond.