The Terracotta Army Parade Ground at the salubrious end of Sawdust Bridge is closed to allow pointless works to take place. Much heavy machinery has been moved into place from the important roadworks on the Blister Lane Bypass, causing snarl-ups. The loudest of the machines will be switched on before dawn and chug and hiss and hoot all day every day for the foreseeable future. Citizens without earplugs who find themselves deafened should join the queue outside Dr Fang’s Clinic. Appointments will be made on an unthinking-fidelity-to-the-regime basis, but may be postponed until such time as Dr Fang is released from protective custody. Every citizen is expected to take part in the prevention of wolf attacks. The kiosk under the viaduct on the lane leading to Pang Hill Orphanage is currently shrouded in mist. It is an eerie and inexplicable mist, populated by seething teeming minuscule flying and buzzing things which sting. Soothing ointments can be procured from the Woohoohoodiwoo Woman, if she can be found, for she is wandering in the wild woods, jabbering under her breath, and communing with tadpoles. There is a new, so-called “modern windsock” at the aerodrome. Verses in its praise should be sent to the poetry editor of The Daily Hysterics for his consideration. Toffee is hereby forbidden.

Signed this day on behalf of the more irrational members of the Pointy Town Chamber of Tyranny by Ned Mudbag, wretch and scrivener.