Maison Crimplene

This piece first appeared on a site called something like gitfeed or wankerlist under the title Ten Amazing Facts About Maison Crimplene That Will Make You Dribble Into A Tin Bowl.

The ceilings of Maison Crimplene are painted blue, with scattered spots of brilliant gold, to resemble a mediaeval painted sky. The floors are uniformly filthy. They have never seen a mop.

On one wall of the tea ceremony parlour in Maison Crimplene hangs a hyperrealist portrait of John Prescott, painted by the noted hyperrealist Rex Hyper. On the opposite wall hangs a similar painting of Prescott’s wife Pauline. They are gazing at each other, forever.

The major domo of Maison Crimplene is Pottymouth Peabrain of Plovdiv. Each time he opens his mouth it pours forth a tirade of disgusting abuse. But he speaks in Bulgarian, which few visitors to Maison Crimplene understand.

The bomb that tore through the cellars of Maison Crimplene but somehow left the building standing was planted by a gormless idiot boy from the nearest village, across the lake. He drowned in the lake shortly afterwards, when he toppled from his dinghy, surprised by a tern.

A black and white photograph of Maison Crimplene, taken at long distance from a mountain peak, appears on the cover of the September 1956 issue of Maisons Snapped From Mountains magazine. Its editrix at the time was noted hyperrealist painter Rex Hyper’s sister, Dot Photog.

The extensive gardens of Maison Crimplene are littered with discarded bubblegum wrappers. Brutes with tails disport themselves in the trees and bushes, grunting in the daylight hours and howling in the night.

In one room of Maison Crimplene, off the main passageway and down a short flight of slippery steps, are stacked hundreds and hundreds of gunny sacks crammed with gutta-percha. Ticks creep up and down the walls of this room.

During the Second World War, troops from several combatant nations were billeted in Maison Crimplene, sometimes at the same time. Fighting,, brawling, and stabbings were averted through an unspoken code of bonhomie, exquisite manners, and pipe-smoking.

Oh! the chandeliers in Maison Crimplene, the chandeliers!

The most expensive room at Maison Crimplene is the one where Perry Como once stayed, accompanied by a pair of puppets made by the noted Swiss puppeteer Rolf Swisspupp. Como’s bill was settled by the priest from the nearest village, across the lake, in which the gormless idiot boy drowned when he toppled from his dinghy, surprised by a tern.

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