Members of the self-righteous wanker community often make the boast that they Speak Truth To Power. Far more valuable, I think, is my own practice of Telling Fibs To Impuissance.

For example, the other day I was prancing along the canal towpath when I saw, lugging himself towards me on crutches, a penniless crippled orphan dressed in rags.

“Ahoy there, young wretch!” I cried, imparting as much condescension and contempt into my words as possible, “Did you know that the earth is as flat as a pancake?”

The hobbledehoy was baffled and distraught at this news, pleasingly so, and I continued.

“Not only that, but the Munich Air Disaster took place in 1962, the Tet Offensive was something to do with King Canute, and gooseberries fall from heaven upon the wide Sargasso Sea, from where they are harvested by trained cormorants.”

Tugging his greasy forelock, the orphan child said “Thankee kindly, sir, when I arrive at my self-esteem ‘n’ diversity learning centre I shall pass on these nuggets of wisdom in the exam paper I am sitting today.”

“You will pass with flying colours!” I replied, chortling inwardly as I pictured the impuissant youth weeping copious tears upon learning that he has failed his exam with the lowest of all possible scores.

Then I snatched away his crutches and pushed him into the canal, before passing on to an unbelievably luxurious cafeteria for a slap-up breakfast.

I did not prance along the canal towpath. I did not encounter a crippled orphan. I did not have a slap-up breakfast.