Midway through our thrilling milk-based calendar, back in December, the Hooting Yard website went kaput. Boffins worked tirelessly to repair whatever damage had wrecked the innards, and I think it is now germ-free at last.

Unfortunately, at around the same time, Mr Key himself went kaput. There was general physical debility, catastrophic problems with my eyesight – still pitiable in spite of ongoing injections of a needle directly into my eyeballs – and, I am afraid to say, a brain which came to resemble an empty vacant void or vacuum, in which nothing stirred.

In the meantime, I celebrated my sixtieth birthday. I cannot simply sprawl around peering vaguely at misty shimmerings and dribbling into a tin cup. No! I must crack away at that damned keyboard again, however slowly and fitfully, and try to unleash further sweeping paragraphs of majestic prose!

It’s all a bit of a palaver, with ludicrously magnified screens and hit-and-miss typing – not to mention a compulsive desire to take a long snooze – but I shall do my best to revivify your favourite website.