You lot know I am a devoted fan of the preposterous television series Lost. As, it seems, are millions of Iranians. The clamour for pirated DVDs is such that the main video distributor in the country is putting the series on general release, and talks are afoot for it to be shown on state television. So far, so good. But…

Programmes will be carefully censored to exclude “un-Islamic” scenes such as those featuring scantily clad women or male-female physical contact.

Given the beardy mullahs’ usual ideas about what constitutes being “scantily clad”, given that none of the women characters shuffles about in a big black sack, and given that men and women hang out with each other in a relaxed, trapped on a tropical island kind of way, I am trying to work out which scenes will not be censored.

Lost, the complete series – now available in the digested three-minute version!