I’m so happy, I’m dancing a jig. Why am I happy? Because I rented a pig. It’s a highly intelligent, modern pig. Hey, daddy-o, it flips my wig.

When you hire a pig on a rental scheme, it can be like a pig in an opiate dream – the kind of pig S T Coleridge’d invent, or De Quincey, perhaps, if he could afford the rent.

For a rented pig does not come cheap. It costs a tremendous amount to keep. There’s the sty and the swill and the brain scans to pay, and bales of straw and bales of hay.

But a modern intelligent pig is a treasure, a joy and a boon quite beyond measure. A pig is a must. A pig is the top. Rent one, as I did, from a pig hire shop!