The global merchandising arm of the Hooting Yard franchise, always keenly aware of what passes for the zeitgeist, will shortly be launching upon a delighted public its latest product. Years of ruinously expensive research come to fruition with the appearance in a shop near you of the Malevolent Homunculus Action Figure.

Deceptively innocent-looking, this tiny homunculus-sized homunculus is actually a model of a particularly evil homunculus, one which can be sent out on nocturnal escapades to terrorise one’s unsuspecting neighbours. Although not as minuscule as the homunculus favoured by spermist theoreticians, it is still remarkably small, about the size of a newborn squirrel. It has moveable arms and legs, a fully rotating head, and a well-ironed shirt the better to conceal its inherent malevolence. Package also includes a scenic backdrop, made of sturdy cardboard, of “those pollarded willows by the canal just before the level crossing” from Brief Encounter (David Lean, 1945) against which the malevolent homunculus can be posed, spookily.