When you remove your brand new Ogsby Steering Panel from its box, do remember that you can put all of the packaging materials to good use, not just the box itself but the string, the adhesive tape, the rubber bands, and the excelsior. The latter, for example, can provide comfortable bedding for your hamster, if you have a hamster, or, if you do not have a hamster, for some other small scurrying mammal you keep as a pet, such as a guinea pig or a water-vole. If you have neither a hamster nor a guinea pig nor a water-vole, what the hell is wrong with you? Sorry… sorry, I should not have let that slip. It is perfectly possible to be a fine upstanding citizen of unimpeachable moral character without lavishing your love on a small scurrying mammal. Love can be lavished elsewhere. It can be held in abeyance, awaiting the exquisite prick of Cupid’s dart. Or it can not be lavished at all, smothered by yet nobler sentiments, if there are any.

But even in such an extreme case, you can still make use of the excelsior! If you have no small scurrying mammal to provide bedding for, what about your own bedding? The most comfortable mattress in the universe can be made that little bit plumper with the addition of a brand new Ogsby Steering Panel’s packaging-worth of excelsior. Simply slice a slit in your mattress with a sharp blade, cram the excelsior in, and then sew up the gash with a length of drapers’ wool. I guarantee you will sleep twice as soundly thereafter. If at any point in the future you are waylaid by pangs of love for small scurrying mammals and decide to obtain a hamster or a guinea pig or a water-vole after all, you can always rip open the slit in the mattress by tugging savagely at the drapers’ wool, remove the excelsior, and then redarn. If you want to ensure that your chosen pet is as comfortable as can be, there is nothing to stop you from seizing a few handfuls of the original mattress stuffing and adding that to the excelsior. With your mattress no longer at optimum plumpness, you may no longer sleep so soundly, but you probably wouldn’t in any case, given that you will spend many hours of your future nights watching over your hamster or guinea pig or water-vole, burning with love.

I have not forgotten about the box and the string and the adhesive tape and the rubber bands, or indeed the Ogsby Steering Panel itself. Untold hours of fun and frolic are to be had with each of these items, singly or in combination. I mean in combination with each other, for example the string and the box or the rubber bands and the string or the adhesive tape and the Ogsby Steering Panel and the box or the rubber bands and the adhesive tape and the string, and so on, but I can see there was some ambiguity there and you may have thought I meant in combination with the small scurrying mammal upon which you lavish your love. If that is what you thought, you are correct, for there are lots of games you can play, such as Jump Off The Box Like Little Ruskin, Dangle The String In Front Of The Hamster, Shake The Rubber Bands In Front Of The Guinea Pig, and Manipulate The Adhesive Tape Into A Sticky Entangled Mess In Front Of The Water-Vole. These and other pastimes will keep the pet you adore enchanted, although sometimes it can be difficult to tell.

Teaching your small scurrying mammal to take control of the Ogsby Steering Panel, sitting with the wheel in its paws, wearing goggles, is a much more ambitious project, and one you would be ill advised to pursue without proper training.