At last, a proper job! It is with some pride that I announce my adoption by an American baseball team as their mascot. According to the Baltimore Orioles, I am “a family friendly character”, and apparently I was unveiled just last week, though I must admit I don’t recall the event. Perhaps I was taking a nap at the time.

Particularly exciting is that I have been given my own army, known as “Frank Key’s Army”. I think I shall lead them on manoeuvres in the near future, though rather than deploying them to one of the world’s trouble spots it might be more satisfying to set them, armed to the teeth, upon defenceless persons I abhor. Luckily, I do not detest quite so many people as Percy Grainger did, so the world is (relatively) safe in my hands.

Of course, becoming a deeply adored mascot would cause a swimming in the head for an unstable or partly deranged person, so I will be careful to keep a proper perspective. Now I must go and drill the troops and issue them with their blunderbusses, muskets, and surface-to-air missiles.


8 thoughts on “Mascot

  1. Are you meant to be throwing a baseball, or practising your skills in levitatation at the same time as you beckon unsuspecting tiny onlookers to a meagre dinner of nettle soup and gruel (which seems more like you…)?

  2. Before you get too excited Mr Key , be aware that the structure of baseball organisations is as follows.

    The Team: in this case the Balitimore Orioles

    The AAA Affiliate , the second team, in this case the Norfolk Tides my local side.

    The AA Afflilate, 3rd team if you will, Bowie Baysox. This is pronounced B-oo-ie and nothing to do with the former David Jones. That an entirely different kettle of poissons.

    Last but not least you have the several A affliates. And how shall I put it? Thats you that is.

    I’m intrigued to see what the Frank Key suit will look like. The Tides mascot Rip Tide is here:

  3. That may well be so, O Banished one, but remember, however paltry my mascothood, I have an army at my beck and call. If I knew where you lived, I would add “and I know where you live”,

  4. I did peek OSM but I didnt see any shopping at the Keys website or at Minor League baseball. They seem to be about the only team in baseball who wont at least sell you a cap.

    Damn it I wanted a Frank Key baseball cap.

  5. You have a point Mr. Key and I defer to your clearly superior forces.

    I wonder if perhaps The Soup Committee ought to be rebranded?

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