Do I know what my colours are?
Do I make my vowels sing?
Am I direct, sincere and simple?
Do I know the proper way to sit in and rise from a chair?
Am I lovable?
Am I original?
Am I valiant?
Have I made a legal will?
Do I know where it is?
Do I hang up my clothes as soon as I take them off?
Do I sew a snap-fastener on to each end of a piece of tape about an inch and a half long, and sew these tapes in the centre of all shoulder seams?
Am I so poised, so on my centre, so innately joyous that life cannot sway me this way or that?
Jill Edwards’ Self-Searcher, a series of questions for daily reflection, quoted in Against The American Grain : Essays On The Effects Of Mass Culture by Dwight Macdonald (1962).
Do I know what my colours are?
Écru. I am a little under the weather.
Do I make my vowels sing?
It is illegal in my country.
Am I direct, sincere and simple?
I am simplicity himself.
Do I know the proper way to sit in and rise from a chair?
Bolt upright.
Am I lovable?
Yes!
Am I original?
Yes!
Am I valiant?
Yes!
Have I made a legal will?
I signed a sheet of paper.
Do I know where it is?
And deposited with the Tsar.
Do I hang up my clothes as soon as I take them off?
If I did where would I sleep?
Do I sew a snap-fastener on to each end of a piece of tape about an inch and a half long, and sew these tapes in the centre of all shoulder seams?
I’m starting to feel uncomfortable with these questions.
Am I so poised, so on my centre, so innately joyous that life cannot sway me this way or that?
Christ, no.
I am pleased to note that Mr Webster has completed the questionnaire, which is compulsory for all Hooting Yard readers, without exception.
Do I know what my colours are?
Incarnadine and puce.
Do I make my vowels sing?
Nooooooooooooooklahoma!
Am I direct, sincere and simple?
Yes, but seldom in that order.
Do I know the proper way to sit in and rise from a chair?
Facing forward, feet slightly apart, knees flexed.
Am I lovable?
As a puppy.
Am I original?
What Glyn Webster said.
Am I valiant?
No, I am torpid.
Have I made a legal will?
Yes. I have also made banana and walnut bread.
Do I know where it is?
Alas! It has all gone! It was delicious.
Do I hang up my clothes as soon as I take them off?
To do otherwise would be the sign of a scoundrel and a cur.
Do I sew a snap-fastener on to each end of a piece of tape about an inch and a half long, and sew these tapes in the centre of all shoulder seams?
Not in all shoulder seams, no.
Am I so poised, so on my centre, so innately joyous that life cannot sway me this way or that?
I used to think so, but I was persuaded otherwise.
Do I know what my colours are?
My colours are struck.
Do I make my vowels sing?
No, they asked to be put in the woodwind section on first clarinet
Am I direct, sincere and simple?
Yes, but I’d prefer to say ‘I am direct, sincere and have learning difficulties’
Do I know the proper way to sit in and rise from a chair?
No, but H.R. have booked me on the next training course in August
Am I lovable?
With these feet?
Am I original?
No, I have been counterfeited many, many times
Am I valiant?
Yes, as is my horse also.
Have I made a legal will?
Yes, but could you make sure Betty and Doug get the corner cabinet (not the one with the missing handle) should anything happen to me?
Do I know where it is?
Yes, on it’s way to Papenberg then probably back to Guernsey
Do I hang up my clothes as soon as I take them off?
I don’t give my clothes hang ups. If they’ve got ‘issues’ with my naked body maybe they shouldn’t stare so much!
Do I sew a snap-fastener on to each end of a piece of tape about an inch and a half long, and sew these tapes in the centre of all shoulder seams?
I beg your pardon?
Am I so poised, so on my centre, so innately joyous that life cannot sway me this way or that?
Yes, that is until marimba rhythms start to play