Researchers working in the submerged lead-lined silo containing the extant papers of Bobnit Tivol recently fossicked from it a listing of the gifts given to the fictional athlete by his coach, the all too real Old Halob, during one festive season. We will be posting this list – written by fictional athlete Bobnit Tivol himself – in instalments over the coming days. It is recommended that you commit each part to memory, and then you will be delighted to discover that you can sing the complete list to the tune of a well-known Christmas carol. So without further ado, let’s get cracking:

On the first day of Christmas, Old Halob gave to me

A viper, a shrew, and a bee.