I am not sure whether to be amused or nauseated to learn that the cleverest person in the known universe is launching Club Fry,Â â€œan arena, a forum, a social network, a sodality, a society for the sharing of knowledge and passionsâ€. Nice to know itâ€™s all being organised by what he calls â€œmy teamâ€.
Here at Haemoglobin Towers, Iâ€™ve decided that the only possible response is to set up Club Key. Not having a team of spellbound acolytes to do the jiggery-pokery, it might take some time to get it up and running. But what can you expect if you sign up?
Club Key members will meet online, once a month, dressed in the club uniform of food-splattered cybertunics. Discussion will be limited to ornithological topics, for obvious reasons, and grunting, whimpering, whingeing and prating will be actively encouraged. Think of it, not as a Club Fry-style arena or forum blah blah blah, nor as the modern equivalent of a literary salon or eighteenth century coffee house, but as a pond, a brackish and stagnant pond, upon the bottom of which you wallow, breathing through a straw poking up into the stale air above, which is swarming with midges and gnats. Occasionally members will be given the opportunity to sprawl in a virtual drainage ditch, batting away flies and even vultures. Both hissy fits and projectile vomiting will be allowed.
All club meetings will be recorded and posted on YouBoot, a version of the video sharing site which concentrates on violent kicking and stamping while wearing big sturdy hiking boots of the pixellated variety.
I have every confidence that this initiative is going to take off in a big way, and that we shall easily outnumber the members of Club Uberbrain. In fact, I have such faith in the project that to get things started Iâ€™m going to splatter my cybertunic with genetically modified sponge pudding and go and round up some injured swallows from the local injured birds hospice right this minute.