Yesterday I received an annoying email from a company – probably run by teenagers – called SOS.

Hi Frank!, it began, overfamiliarly. I don’t know why I continued reading after such effrontery, but I did.

Here at SOS we’re passionate about helping you maximise traffic to your website. SOS stands for Search Optimisation Solutions, and that’s exactly what we do!

Like a fool, I carried on reading. I suppose I was won over by the thought that I could attract more than thirty-four readers. I became even more interested when SOS gave me one of their so-called “simple yet effective” tips without my having to pay them a penny.

Our research shows that web traffic increases a millionfold if you mention three names on your site. We call them The Three Ks – Kate, Kim, and Keith. That is, Kate Middleton, Kim Kardashian, and Keith Potger.

I am now racking my brains trying to work out how to concoct a story which includes the Duchess of Cambridge, the inexplicable celebrity, and a quarter of Antipodean 1960s pop sensations The Seekers, which is at once (a) credible, (b) morally uplifting, and (c) groovy. If any of the thirty-four of you have any ideas, please let me know in the Comments.

UPDATE : Gosh! Since I posted the above, an hour ago, traffic to Hooting Yard has increased to a whopping thirty-six! Thanks a million, SOS!