Goat God Catechism


Is there anything more frightening than the goat god?

No, there is not.

Must one tremble when the goat god appears, looming from a cloud of foul inexplicable gas?

Yes, one must tremble.

How must one tremble?

In awe and dread.

Must one cover one’s ears when one hears the terrible clattering of the goat god’s cloven hooves upon the linoleum?

Yes, one must clap one’s hands over one’s ears.

When the goat god brays its harsh bray, is it so loud that all birds and small mammals in the vicinity are rendered deaf?

Yes, they are deafened, temporarily.

Is mayhem caused by the deafening of birds and small mammals?

Yes, it can be, because those that depend upon their hearing for orienting themselves in the sky or upon the earth become confused and terrified.

Does the goat god take pleasure from causing such havoc in the natural world?

Yes, it does, there is mirth in its braying.

Is the goat god accompanied by helpmeets?

Yes, the goat god has two helpmeets.

Are the goat god’s helpmeets men or goats?

They are mutant hybrids of both, their upper half being as a man, their lower half being as a goat.

Do the helpmeets speak in a human tongue or do they bray as would a goat?

They do neither, for they are silent.

What horror takes place once the cloud of foul gas has dispersed to reveal the goat god and its helpmeets in all their dreadful majesty?

Some of the deafened birds fall from the sky and some of the deafened small mammals scurry about in circles of disoriented bestial befuddlement.

What else happens?

I continue to tremble in awe and dread with my hands clapped over my ears.

What does the goat god do?

It continues to bray, loud and mirthful and terrifying.

Does it continue to clatter its cloven hooves upon the linoleum?

Yes, it does.

Why is the ground covered in linoleum?

Because the goat god has appeared in its cloud of foul inexplicable gas in the kitchenette of my squalid flat.

For what purpose has the goat god appeared in your flat?

I am not yet sure of its purpose, but it appeared because I accidentally summoned it.

By what accident did you summon the goat god and its helpmeets?

The accident was that I was reading aloud a recipe from Old Ma Purgative’s Wonder Book Of Pies and I pronounced some of the words amiss.

Wait a moment, if you are in your flat, what explains the presence of all these deafened birds and small mammals?

I said my flat is a squalid flat. It has no roof, and it is overrun with wildlife.

Why do you have no roof over your head?

My roof was removed by the regime.

Do you think Old Ma Purgative deliberately inserted words which might easily be pronounced amiss into her pie recipes to trick her readers into summoning the goat god?

Yes, I do.



What happens next?

I am going to finish baking the pie and feed it to the goat god and its helpmeets, and then we shall issue forth from my flat and wreak vengeance upon the regime.

Will you be writing up an account of the terror you unleash?

No, for this whole bailiwick shall be laid waste and there will be neither notepaper nor pens nor pencils when we are done.

Will your flat still be standing?

No, it will not, and I shall vanish with the goat god and its helpmeets in a second cloud of foul inexplicable gas.

Will the regime survive the vengeance you and the goat god and its helpmeets wreak?

Not in this bailiwick.

7 thoughts on “Goat God Catechism

  1. Ma Purgative’s Wonder Book Of Pies has a foul reputation. I believe John Dee once consulted it in the hopes of baking some scrying pies, but this backfired for him, too…

  2. Ought not the pie be offered to the goat in supplication? I know they prefer huckleberry and pensiveness pie, but a brown crusty citrus cynics will do in a pinch.

  3. O.S.M. – if you could invent a repellent that actually WORKS that would be great…

    I bought some God repellent at Luton airport last year for my summer-holiday in Alicante. The marketing blurb promised non-tacky 24 hour protection against all known deities in Northern Africa and Southern Europe. Much to my dismay, after a sleepless night in my 3* full board hotel, I found that I had converted to the major world religions of Catholocism and Islam. This was just the beginning, however, and over the next fortnight I also developed a firm and unshakeable belief in Chukwu, Nyame, Olodmare, Ngai, the dual God Mawu-Lisa and even lesser deities such as Ougon, Da, Agwu, Esu & Mbari.

    I didn’t let this ruin my holiday and I have to say that the hotel were most understanding of the copious rituals I found myself performing morning, noon and night (I would especially recommend thursday night’s flamenco entertainment and the calamari were fabulous!). However, I have written a strongly worded letter to the manufacturers of the repellent and cursed their souls to damnation in at least 7 different faiths.

  4. My first attempts at ‘Godoff’ cannot be described as an unqualified success…
    I managed to rid the kitchen work surfaces of the Hideous Bat God Fatso but I found I’d developed Dawkin’s syndrome further complicated by a Nietzche infection…
    I also appear to have become an ordained minister in something called The Church of the Subgenius…
    Back to the chemistry lab…

    Praise Bob!
    (now where did I put that powdered eagle and serpent mix..?)

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