He’s a maestro! He’s a psychopath! He’s got a majestic bouffant! Lothar Preen answers this week’s Q & A.
When were you happiest? Whenever I squash lesser beings under my stylish black boot.
What is your greatest fear? That when I die, I shall find heaven too pokey and constricting for my afterlife ambitions.
What is your earliest memory? The creation of the universe.
Property aside, what’s the most expensive thing you’ve bought? My life, when I paid off several different gangs of ruffians in the dockyard taverns of Marseilles.
What is your most treasured possession? My majestic bouffant.
Where would you like to live? At the top of a lighthouse erected on the grassy knoll.
What would your super power be? The sending forth of lightning bolts from the tips of my little fingers.
If you could bring something extinct back to life, what would you choose? Feudal serfdom.
Who would play you in the film of your life? The great god Pan.
Who would you invite to your dream dinner party? Trembling underlings.
What is your must unappealing habit? Affectionately mussing the hair of trembling underlings in moments of weakness.
What is your favourite book? Popsy The Pig And The Ipsy Dipsy Lobster by Prudence Foxglove.
What would be your fancy dress costume of choice? Tar and feathers. Or just tar.
What is the worst thing anyone’s said to you? “O maestro, I beg of you, please have mercy on my immortal soul!”
What do you owe your parents? My parents died in an avalanche on the day I was born.
What or who is the greatest love of your life? The Phlogiston Variations by Chlorine Winslow.
What was the best kiss of your life? The mirror, a dozen times a day.
Which words or phrases do you most overuse? Look on my works, ye weedy, and despair!
What is the worst job you’ve done? The mass poisoning in Blister Lane.
If you could edit your past, what would you change? My bouffant would be more majestic.
When did you last cry, and why? I weep whenever I hear the innocent laughter of children.
How do you relax? Pulling the legs off flies.
What song would you like played at your funeral? Something German and argumentative and shouty and improvised.
What is the most important lesson life has taught you? That should be rephrased as “what is the most important lesson you have taught life?”
Tell us a secret. I owe the majesty of my bouffant to L’Oreal’s light reflecting booster technology.