One of the pieces I read at An Evening Of Lugubrious Music & Lopsided Prose last week was Get Carter. It seemed to be greeted with particular enthusiasm by the audience, so much so that I have received a number of letters on the subject, extracts from which I reproduce below:

Dear Frank, Thank you so much for your performance last Friday. After a terribly busy week it was the perfect opportunity to relax, and indeed as soon as you started speaking I promptly fell into a deep and refreshing snooze. My ears pricked up, and I woke, however, when you mentioned the dog in Get Carter. I was utterly enchanted by this pooch, and I wonder if perhaps you have a tiny black-and-white illustration of it?

All Hail, Mr Key! Last Friday I had tickets to two events, one being your “gig” with Outa_Spaceman and the other a concert by that titan of something-or-other, Tinie Tempah. As it happened, my ticket for Mr Tempah was engulfed by a fireball, leaving me with little choice but to trudge down to Bermondsey Square to see you. Gosh, am I glad I did! Though virtually everything in your performance went in one ear and out the other – I speak, of course, of my own ears – I marvelled at the portrait of the dog in Get Carter. I wonder if perhaps you have a tiny black-and-white illustration of it?

Ahoy Key! Last week I found myself trapped under a bookshelf in Woolfson & Tay and was quite unable to extricate myself by 7.00 PM when your performance began. I thus had to listen to the whole thing, which was a not unmixed blessing. Full marks, however, for the bit about the dog near the end of the first half. Though your words were vivid enough for me to see the dog clear in my mind’s eye, I wonder if perhaps you have a tiny black-and-white illustration of it?

Dear Frank, Just print a picture of the damned dog and have done with it.