Nappa Gisburn brought to my attention a television programme entitled Lobstermen : Jeopardy At Sea, screened on something called the Quest Channel. I did not see it, but then, as Mr Gisburn himself noted, it was probably less exciting than its title promised.

It served to remind me, however, that some years ago I encouraged readers to join the Adopt A Lobster scheme. Some of you in fact did so, and have the certificates to prove it. What I find both worrying and perplexing is that nobody seems ever to have received any news of their lobster. Much as I would like to think that Babinsky and Bobnit Tivol and Tiny Enid are scuttling happily across the ocean floor, snapping their claws at minnows, I just don’t know, and it’s the not knowing that leads me to lie awake at night, thrashing around on my pallet, biting my pillow, and generally making a sorry spectacle of myself.

Readers will recall that I undertook a special study of lobsters and consider myself, if not an expert, than certainly as someone qualified to embark on a worldwide lecture tour, all expenses paid. Should you, or anybody you know, wish to invite me to some far-flung yet luxurious corner of the globe, and to put me up in an exquisite hotel for a week, I will be happy to deliver a five- or ten-minute unillustrated lecture on lobsters while waving my arms about in a foolish, hysterical manner.