Objectionable Foreign Button-Making Baron

He has been represented as the most fascinating and accomplished of men. A member of the select and exclusive Jockey Club of Paris, and a foreign and honorary member of our own fashionable Travellers’ Club here, he was at first represented as one of the élite of society – the observed of all observers – the pink of fashion and the mould of form – “a gentlemanly-looking man of fifty-five,” who did not merely drive a gig and graduate in respectability in such a middle-class way, but was an honoured guest in the saloons of exiled princes, and having easy access to the tables of the noblest of our countrymen, he appeared to live upon a social eminence which might have provoked jealousy, but which freed him from any suspicion of heinous criminality. On the other hand he has been represented, with perhaps equal exaggeration, to have been certainly a parvenu, and perhaps a bore. He is said to have been the son of a glove-maker, and to have had, in his own person, some mysterious commercial connection with button-making, and to have either acquired his title by the purchase of a small Italian estate which conferred that empty distinction upon him, or else to have been the last plebeian metamorphosed into an aristocrat by the will and pleasure of the late Louis Philippe. It is doubtless, as a matter of gossip, interesting to that curious individual, the general reader – but it is a matter of perfect indifference in an English court of law whether the accused is the undoubted scion of a family dating from the Deluge, or the most pushing, irrepressible, and objectionable of that terrible section of society, who are described as “distinguished foreigners”. – The Morning Chronicle, 22 July 1861

Some barons fancy they may do as they like in England. This is rather a mistake. – The Illustrated News Of The World, 29 July 1861

Quoted in Deadly Encounters : Two Victorian Sensations by Richard D Altick, University of Pennsylvania Press, 1986

Gurgles From Hid Grot

If Charles Montagu Doughty (1843-1926) is remembered today at all, it is as the author of Travels In Arabia Deserta, a classic account of his wanderings in northern Arabia, published in 1888. One hesitates to call it influential, for it is written in a highly-wrought, archaic, often quite bonkers style that is probably inimitable. But it has, at least, been more or less constantly in print since T E Lawrence enthused about it in the 1920s – unlike Doughty’s later works, mad epics written in verse so chunky and chewy and Anglo Saxon they make virtually anything else read like pointyhead management-guff.

The titles include The Dawn In Britain (Volume One of which has been recently reissued, I discover with glee), Adam Cast Forth, The Titans, and Mansoul, Or The Riddle Of The World. For your edification and enlightenment, Mr Key has picked some of his favourite lines and phrases from Book One of the last-named. [Sic] throughout, by the way, all checked and re-checked.

Sun-stricken inhuman wasteful ground

I heard, hoarse murmuring tumult as of sea / Deeps long-maned wave-rows, beating boisterous; / And rushing billows, like to raging scour / Of ravening wolves; wide whelming on sea-cliffs. / And creaking-winged mews’ clamour, cleping loud,/ O’er long fore-shore

Of human souls such multitude He comprised; / As clustered blebs, some greater and some less; / We see oft in wind-driven floc of foam, / In day of storm, on some tempestuous strand.

I slumbered till a turtles’ gentle flock, / … folding from flight / Their rattling wings; lighted on vermeil feet; / Jetting, with mincing pace, their iris necks; / With crooling throat-bole; voice of peace and rest

Gurgles from hid grot

Broods o’er these thymy eyots drowsy hum

They sound their shrill small clarions / And hurl by booming dors, gross bee-fly kin

Dawns shrill medleyed babble of early birds ; / And Summers breath, in the bleak poplar leaves.

Whence fuming incense doth embalm his brain

Hewed as we sea-shells see within appear. / Whereon were laced, with curious device / Of antique art, in purple leathern work ; / Buskins, whose shining knops were Albans gold.

These unhewn sunless labyrinthine crypts

The temple-maiden had aforetime scruzed, / Nepenthe and clary and moly

A croc of nard, set on an aumbry shelf

Neath crumpled boughs, aye dripping baleful mist! / On sleep-compelling canker-worts beneath, / Black hellebore and rank-smelling deadly dwale / And bryony, and other more, I know not well ; / The Furies’ garden-knots ; whose snaky entrailed / Locks, wrapped about my feeble knees and feet.

Badger And Cherries

Important news from Reuters’ Berlin bureau:

A badger in Germany got so drunk on overripe cherries that it staggered into the middle of a road and refused to budge, police said yesterday. A motorist telephoned police near the central town of Goslar to report a dead badger lying in the road – only for officers to turn up and discover that the animal was alive and well, but drunk. Police later discovered that the badger had eaten cherries from a nearby tree which had fermented and given the animal diarrhoea as well as a hangover. Having failed to scare the animal away, officers eventually used a broom to chase it from the road.

What the report fails to mention is that the “animal” in question was Little Severin, The Mystic Badger. How in heaven’s name do you think he is able to make all those devastatingly accurate mystic prognostications? Painting him as a simple drunk is a travesty. Little Severin had, of course, gorged on fermented fruit as a trusted method of inspiring a shamanistic – or rather, shabadgeristic – hallucinogenic trance. I must admit it is not entirely clear why he then chose to sprawl in the middle of an Autobahn, imperilled by the products of the mighty Teutonic car industry, rather than engage in his usual scrubbling about in the muck, but far be it from me to question the ineffable wisdom of Little Severin. After all, the last person who did so was turned into a toad, and not just a toad, but a blind toad with rickets and pins and needles. As, indeed, was foretold, by the Mystic Badger himself, during an earlier cherry binge.

The New Lens

I have just heard someone on the news talking about “the new lens”. He did not explain the nature of this optical device, nor whether it was a replacement for an old lens fallen into disrepair or desuetude. As far as I can gather, from the meagre information provided, the new lens is the device through which everything henceforth ought to be viewed – or perhaps peered at, myopically, with much befuddled blinking. I will be placing an order for a goodly supply of the new lenses, if more than one is available, so rest assured that your favourite website will on no account be regarding the world in some hopelessly old fashioned way. Take due note – Hooting Yard! Forward With The New Lens!

The Most Filthy Of The Squalid

In an 1845 issue of The Mysteries Of London, G W M Reynolds provided a useful list of the sorts of items available from unregulated street-stalls in the districts of Spitalfields and Bethnal Green, “entire streets that are nought but sinks of misery and vice – dark courts, foetid with puddles of black slimy water – alleys, blocked up with heaps of filth, and nauseating with unwholesome odours… abodes of sorrow, vice, and destitution… vile streets, inhabited by the very lowest of the low, the most filthy of the squalid, and the most profligate of the immoral”.

Had you been among the most filthy of the squalid, you could have taken your pick from stalls selling “fish, fresh and fried, oysters, sweet-stuff, vegetables, fruit, cheap publications, sop-in-the-pan, shrimps and periwinkles, hair-combs, baked potatoes, liver and lights, curds and whey, sheep’s heads, haddocks and red-herrings”.

I for one would be only too pleased to see sop-in-the-pan on sale in our major supermarkets, even if it were pre-packaged under their own brand.

Sunday Morning In England

Rediscovered Urban Rituals, who helped to organise a May Day Jack in the Green procession in Deptford in 2006, recreated the famous Charlton Horn Fair procession today.

The Abbot of Bermondsey granted a charter in 1268 for an annual fair to be held at Charlton, which was eventually banned in 1872 for ‘licentious conduct’. The celebrants dressed up in drag and adorned themselves with horns and masks, presumably evoking ancient ritual & fertility symbolism. The procession of ‘Hornified Fumblers’ traditionally met at Cuckold’s Point in Rotherhithe, after crossing the Thames from the City. They paraded through Deptford and Greenwich and on to the Fair.

What better way for Mr Key to spend his Sunday morning than to trail in the procession’s wake, albeit dressed in mufti?

hornfair1

hornfair2

Snapper : Pansy Cradledew Photographic Interventions GmbH. Mezzotints of the snaps will be made available in the fullness of time.

Hey Babe, Hand Me That Astrolabe

“Swinburne… boasted to Burne-Jones that he had ‘discovered the one serious rhyme in the language’ to ‘babe’, which was, not very helpfully, ‘astrolabe’.”

Mollie Panter-Downes, At The Pines : Swinburne And Watts-Dunton In Putney (1971).

I was directed to this magnificent and eccentric book by Nige, who also provides a link to Max Beerbohm’s account of his Putney visit.

Hares His Ruin

Should you find yourself consulting your hare oracle with unseemly frequency, or favouring it to such an extent that your crow oracle sits neglected on the shelf, you may be on the slippery slope to a hare mania leading to criminality. Here is a newspaper cutting from 1904. Consider it a warning.

HARES HIS RUIN

In sentencing a man at Marylebone yesterday for stealing a hare, Mr Plowden said to the prisoner, who had previously been bound over for a similar offence: “You are an honest man, I believe, except when you see hares. Then, your honesty completely breaks down. It’s a good thing you don’t live where hares are abundant.”

Source – Man Bites Man : The Scrapbook Of An Edwardian Eccentric, George Ives, edited by Paul Sieveking (Jay Landesman, 1980)

Life Imitates Hooting Yard

There are times, I think, when the gods who order our puny human affairs take their lead from Hooting Yard. How else to explain this magnificent headline?

MP Blunkett injured in cow attack

Incidentally, it is somewhat disconcerting that the BBC feels it necessary to qualify the numinous Blunkett name with the designation “MP”, as if there might be other newsworthy Blunketts in the known universe. There are not.

I am going to go on a little trip now. I will be gone only for a couple of days, and will return in time for this week’s Hooting Yard On The Air at teatime on Thursday. I live in hope that a brief change of scene, and the thought of that cow, will loosen up the cranial integuments, the knotting of which has caused such regrettable silence of late.

The University Of Life, On A Canal

“Then next, take canal life as a form of ‘university’ education. Your present system of education is to get a rascal of an architect to order a rascal of a clerk-of-the-works to order a parcel of rascally bricklayers to build you a bestially stupid building in the middle of the town, poisoned with gas, and with an iron floor which will drop you all through it some frosty evening; wherein you will bring a puppet of a cockney lecturer in a dress coat and a white tie, to tell you smugly there’s no God, and how many messes he can make of a lump of sugar. Much the better you are for all that, when you get home again, aren’t you?”

John Ruskin, Fors Clavigera, Letter LXXV “Star Law” (1877)

John Ruskin On The Train

OK, I am going to stop babbling on about John Ruskin, I promise. As a way of saying farewell, here is an extract from Fors Clavigera, Letter LXIX ,”The Message Of Jael-Atropos”, 1876. With minimal changes, what I have called John Ruskin On The Train could quite easily become Frank Key On The Bus:

I had driven from Brantwood in early morning down the valley of the Crake and took train first at the Ulverston station, settling myself in the corner of the carriage next the sea, for better prospect thereof. In the other corner was a respectable, stolid, middle-aged man reading his paper.

I had left my Coniston lake in dashing ripples under a south wind, thick with rain; but the tide lay smooth and silent along the sands; melancholy in absolute pause of motion, nor ebb nor flow distinguishable; – here and there, among the shelves of grey shore, a little ruffling of their apparent pools marked stray threadings of river-current.

At Grange, talking loud, got in two young coxcombs; who reclined themselves on the opposite cushions. One had a thin stick, with which, in a kind of St Vitus’s dance, partly affectation of nonchalance, partly real fever produced by the intolerable idleness of his mind and body, he rapped on the elbow of his seat, poked at the button-holes of the window strap, and switched his boots, or the air, all the way from Grange to the last station before Carnforth, – he and his friend talking yacht and regatta, listlessly; – the St Vitus’s, meantime, dancing one expressing his opinion that “the most dangerous thing to do on these lakes was going before the wind”. The respectable man went on reading his paper, without notice of them. None of the three ever looked out of the windows at sea or shore. There was not much to look at, indeed, through the driving, and gradually closer-driven, rain, – except the drifting about of the seagulls and their quiet dropping into the pools, their wings kept open for an instant till their breasts felt the water well; then closing their petals of white light, like suddenly shut water flowers.

The two regatta men got out, in drenching rain, on the coverless platform at the station before Carnforth, and all the rest of us at Carnforth itself, to wait for the up train. The shed on the up-line, even there, is small, in which a crowd of third-class passengers were packed close by the outside drip. I did not see one, out of some twenty-five or thirty persons, tidily dressed, nor one with a contented and serenely patient look. Lines of care, of mean hardship, of comfortless submission, of gnawing anxiety, or ill-temper, characterized every face.

The train came up, and my poor companions were shuffled into it speedily, in heaps. I found an empty first-class carriage for myself: wondering how long universal suffrage would allow itself to be packed away in heaps, for my convenience.

At Lancaster, a father and daughter got in; presumably commercial. Father stoutly built and firm-featured, sagacious and cool. The girl hard and common; well dressed, except that her hat was cocked too high on her hair. They both read papers all the way to Warrington. I was not myself employed much better; the incessant rain making the windows a mere wilderness of dirty dribblings; and neither Preston nor Wigan presenting anything lively to behold, I had settled myself to Mrs Brown on Spelling Bees, (an unusually forced and poor number of Mrs Brown, by the way).

I had to change at Warrington for Chester. The weather bettered a little, while I got a cup of tea and a slice of bread in the small refreshment room; contemplating, the while, in front of me, the panels of painted glass on its swinging doors, which represented two troubadours, in broadly striped blue and yellow breeches, purple jackets, and plumed caps; with golden-hilted swords and enormous lyres. Both had soft curled moustaches, languishing eyes, open mouths, and faultless legs. Meanwhile, lounged at the corner behind me, much bemused in beer, a perfect example of the special type of youthful blackguard now developing generally in England; more or less blackly pulpous and swollen in all the features, and with mingled expression of intense grossness and intense impudence; – half pig, half jackdaw.

There got in with me, when the train was ready, a middle-class person of commercial-traveller aspect, who had possessed himself of a ‘Graphic’ from the news-boy; and whom I presently forgot, in examining the country on a line new to me, which became quickly, under gleams of broken sunlight, of extreme interest. Azure-green fields of deep corn; undulations of sandstone hill, with here and there a broken crag at the edge of a cutting; presently the far glittering of the Solway-like sands of Dee, and rounded waves of the Welsh hills on the southern horizon, formed a landscape more fresh and fair than I have seen for many a day, from any great line of English rail. When I looked back to my fellow-traveller, he was sprawling all his length on the cushion of the back seat, with his boots on his ‘Graphic’ – not to save the cushions assuredly, but in the foul modern carelessness of everything which we have ‘done with’ for the moment; – his face clouded with sullen thought, as of a person helplessly in difficulty, and not able to give up thinking how to avoid the unavoidable.

In a minute or two more I found myself plunged into the general dissolution and whirlpool of porters, passengers, and crook-boned trucks, running round corners against one’s legs, of the great Chester station. A simply-dressed upper-class girl of sixteen or seventeen, strictly and swiftly piloting her little sister through the populace, was the first human creature I had yet seen, on whom sight could rest without pain. The rest of the crowd was a mere dismal fermentation of the Ignominious.

The train to Ruabon was crowded, and I was obliged to get into a carriage with two cadaverous sexagenarian spinsters, who had been keeping the windows up, all but a chink, for fear a drop of rain or breath of south wind should come in, and were breathing the richest compound of products of their own indigestion. Pretending to be anxious about the construction of the train, I got the farther window down, and my body well out of it; then put it only half-way up when the train left, and kept putting my head out without my hat; so as, if possible, to impress my fellow-passengers with the imminence of a collision, which could only be averted by extreme watchfulness on my part. Then requesting, with all the politeness I could muster, to be allowed to move a box with which they had occupied the corner-seat – “that I might sit face to the air” – I got them ashamed to ask that the window might be shut up again; but they huddled away into the opposite corner to make me understand how they suffered from the draught. Presently they got out two bags of blue grapes, and ate away unanimously, availing themselves of my open window to throw out rolled-up pips and skins.

General change, to my extreme relief, as to their’s, was again required at Ruabon, effected by a screwing backwards and forwards, for three-quarters of an hour, of carriages which one was expecting every five minutes to get into; and which were puffed and pushed away again the moment one opened a door, with loud calls of ‘Stand back there’. A group of half a dozen children, from eight to fourteen – the girls all in straw hats, with long hanging scarlet ribands – were more or less pleasant to see meanwhile; and sunshine through the puffs of petulant and cross-purposed steam, promised a pleasant run to Llangollen.

I had only the conventional ‘business man with a paper’ for this run; and on his leaving the carriage for Llangollen, was just closing the door, thinking to have both windows at command, when my hand was stayed by the father of a family of four children, who, with their mother and aunt, presently filled the carriage, the children fitting or scrambling in anywhere, with expansive kicks and lively struggles. They belonged to the lower-middle class; the mother an ideal of the worthy commonplace, evidently hard put to it to make both ends meet, and wholly occupied in family concerns; her face fixed in the ignoble gravity of virtuous persons to whom their own troublesome households have become monasteries. The father, slightly more conscious of external things, submitting benevolently to his domestic happiness out on its annual holiday. The children ugly, fidgety, and ill-bred, but not unintelligent, – full of questionings, ‘when’ they were to get here, or there? how many rails there were on the line; which side the station was on, and who was to meet them. In such debate, varied by bodily contortions in every direction, they contrived to pass the half-hour which took us through the vale of Llangollen, past some of the loveliest brook and glen scenery in the world. But neither the man, the woman, nor any one of the children, looked out of the window once, the whole way.

They got out at Corwen, leaving me to myself for the run past Bala lake and down the Dolgelly valley; but more sorrowful than of late has been my wont, in the sense of my total isolation from the thoughts and ways of the present English people. For I was perfectly certain that among all the crowd of living creatures whom I had that day seen, – scarlet ribands and all, – there was not one to whom I could have spoken a word on any subject interesting to me, which would have been intelligible to them.

But the first broad sum of fact, for the sake of which I have given this diary, is among certainly not less than some seven or eight hundred people, seen by me in the course of this day, I saw not one happy face, and several hundreds of entirely miserable ones. The second broad sum of fact is, that out of the few, – not happy, – but more or less spirited and complacent faces I saw, among the lower and the mercantile classes, what life or spirit they had depended on a peculiar cock-on-a-dunghill character of impudence, which meant a total inability to conceive any good or lovely thing in this world or any other: and the third sum of fact is, that in this rich England I saw only eight out of eight hundred persons gracefully dressed, and decently mannered.

Some Words From Inside A Barrel

Mr Key has lately been described, elsewhere, as a “Diogenesian recluse”. There is an element of truth in this. How many readers were aware that the material at Hooting Yard issues forth from inside a barrel, or large tub? Now you know.

NOTE : For those following the link above, further details of The Fatal Duckpond – in the form of a blatant advertisement – will appear here when it is actually available (soon, as far as I’m aware).

If Only The Rev. James McCosh Were Here!

I must admit to being perplexed at my uninspired state. I have been tapping the keyboard in a desultory way before abandoning the few lines of guff that result, or, more commonly in recent days, feeling a reluctance even to begin tapping. And the reason I am puzzled is that much of my reading, at the moment, is of a writer whom I find fantastically inspiring.

I decided to immerse myself in the eight volumes of Fors Clavigera after coming across Guy Davenport’s lament that nowadays, hardly anyone reads John Ruskin. Well, I had never read him, and I thought I would have to fight my way through these ninety-six letters “to the workmen and labourers of Great Britain” (one each month for eight years), the reading being a challenge rather than a pleasure. Ah, but what a pleasure lay in store – and still does, as I am currently just halfway through volume five.

Ruskin is a magnificent writer, not least in his ability to veer off at unexpected angles. One minute he will be ranting about the iniquities of industrialisation, then he will launch into a transcription of what he readily admits is a fairly dull folk story about Swiss peasants, before reminding himself that he meant to write about glacier theory.

“If only the Rev. James McCosh were here!” begins a paragraph, for no apparent reason. I adore the surprise and the sheer ease of his prose. You can sense the whirrings of the gigantic and eccentric Ruskin-brain as he flits from topic to topic, but somehow never quite gets lost. He writes about barging into someone’s cottage to wish a happy new year “to whoever was there”, has some thoughts on the proper education of children, and suddenly embarks on a sustained passage about the nature of bees, what he does and doesn’t know about them, and pauses to rummage among his bookcases looking up bee information in Bingley, Cassell, Petter, Galpin, and Ormerod. The latter’s History Of Wasps, he decides, ought to be a standard book in the primary education of girls.

Am I so awestruck by Ruskin that his prose intimidates rather than inspires me? I don’t think that’s the case. Anyway, I have regular fads and enthusiasms for writers. I once read about a dozen novels by Nabokov one after another, in a frenzy, with no ill effects. So I shall remain vaguely perplexed, but try my best to start tapping away again with bluster and vim. If all else fails, I shall have to summon the phantom of the Rev. James McCosh from out of the shadows.

Muggletonian Curses

Immediately after God’s revelation on the third, fourth, and fifth of February 1652 to John Reeve that he and his cousin Lodowicke Muggleton were the “Two Last Witnesses”…

“There followed a period of hectic blessing and cursing which could have been lifted straight from the pages of Edwards’s Gangraena. A few examples will convey the flavour. John Robins, and a rival prophet [Thomas] Tany, were cursed and destroyed. A man called Pearson smote blows on Muggleton’s head; ten days later he was dead. At a Ranter tavern in the Minories Reeve placed his head on the ground for an enemy to trample upon. The infidel’s foot was arrested in flight. He could not go through with it. Muggleton noted ‘the people all marvelled at this thing’. Barker tricked Reeve into blessing him, but was then exposed and damned by Muggleton. An over-zealous follower called Cooper cursed fifteen fellow silk-weavers off his own bat. The cynical Captain Stasy arranged dinner for the prophets with Goffin, a divine. The dinner ended with a predictable damnation for the clergyman.”

From The World Of The Muggletonians, Christopher Hill, Barry Reay, William Lamont (1983).

Elsewhere we discover that Lodowicke Muggleton was himself cursed by that saintly Quaker William Penn: “To the bottomless pit are you sentenced, from whence you came, and where the endless worm shall gnaw and torture your imaginary soul to eternity.” I am not clear whether this curse was pronounced before or after Muggleton published a pamphlet with the resounding title The Neck Of The Quakers Broken (1663).