If we want to know about precious stones embedded in the heads of toads – and which of us does not? – we turn, of course, not to Ubermungo™, but to Sir Thomas Browne, who has this to say in Pseudodoxia Epidemica or Enquries into very many received tenets and commonly presumed truths (1646-1672):

As for the stone commonly called a Toad-stone, which is presumed to be found in the head of that animal, we first conceive it not a thing impossible: nor is there any substantial reason why in a Toad there may not be found such hard and lapideous concretions. For the like we daily observe in the heads of Fishes, as Cods, Carps, and Pearches: the like also in Snails, a soft and exosseous animal, whereof in the naked and greater sort, as though she would requite the defect of a shell on their back, Nature near the head hath placed a flat white stone, or rather testaceous concretion…

Again, though it be not impossible, yet it is surely very rare: as we are induced to believe from some enquiry of our own, from the trial of many who have been deceived, and the frustrated search of Porta, who upon the explorement of many, could scarce find one. Nor is it only of rarity, but may be doubted whether it be of existencie, or really any such stone in the head of a Toad at all. For although Lapidaries and questuary enquirers affirm it, yet the Writers of Minerals and natural speculators, are of another belief: conceiving the stones which bear this name, to be a Mineral concretion; not to be found in animals, but in fields…

Lastly, If any such thing there be, yet must it not, for ought I see, be taken as we receive it, for a loose and moveable stone, but rather a concretion or induration of the crany it self; for being of an earthy temper, living in the earth, and as some say feeding thereon, such indurations may sometimes happen. Thus when Brassavolus after a long search had discovered one, he affirms it was rather the forehead bone petrified, then a stone within the crany; and of this belief was Gesner. Which is also much confirmed from what is delivered in Aldrovandus, upon experiment of very many Toads, whose cranies or sculs in time grew hard, and almost of a stony substance. All which considered, we must with circumspection receive those stones which commonly bear this name, much less believe the traditions, that in envy to mankind they are cast out, or swallowed down by the Toad…

And in a note, Browne quotes:

From Thomas Nicols (1652) Lapidary, Or, The History of Pretious Stones. Part II, Chap. XXXVI, pp. 158-159: Of the Garatromo or Toadstone.

This stone is of a brownish colour somewhat tending to rednes, convex on the one side; & on the other side, sometimes plain, sometimes hollow.

Some say this stone is found in the head of an old Toad; others say that the old toad must be laid upon the cloth that is red and it will belch it up, or otherwise not; you may give a like credit to both these reports, for as little truth is to be found in them as may possibly be: Witnesse Anselmus Boetius in lib. 2 in the chapter of this stone; who saith that to try this experiment in his youth he took an old Toad and laid it upon a red cloth and watch it a whole night to see it belch up its stone, but after his long and tedious watchfull expectation he found the old Toad in the same posture to gratifie the great pains of his whole nights restlessenesse, and since that time he taketh that stone which is called Garatromo or the Toad-stone, to be an obscure Starre-stone.

Its names. This stone is called Batrachites, and Brontia, and Ombria, and Garatronium, Lapis Borax, Lapis Bufonis, Lapis Rubetæ. In French, un Crapaut & Crapaudine. In Germanne ein Krattenstein. Some in Latine call it Crapontina. In English a Toadstone.

Of its kinds. Baccius maketh two kinds of this stone: One of a whitish brown colour: another of a black colour with a bluish eye. This stone saith Boetius is sometimes found of the bignesse of an egg, and those that are so great, are sometimes brownish, sometimes reddish, sometimes yellowish, sometimes greenish. Some are no bigger then the nail of the hand and these by Jewellers are taken for the true Toad-stones. It is reported of it that it is good against poyson if it be worn so as it may touch the skin, and that if poyson be present it will sweate, and that if any inflations procured by venemous creatures be touchd with it, it will cure them. So saith Weckerus, Lemnius, and Baccius.

Browne also quotes:

From Edward Topsell (1608) Historie of Serpents , pp. 188-189:

There be many late Writers, which doe affirme that there is a precious stone in the head of a Toade, whose opinions (because they attribute much to the vertue of this stone) it is good to examine in this place, that so the Reader may be satisfied whether to hold it as a fable or as a true matter, exemplifying the powerfull working of Almightie God in nature, for there be many that weare these stones in Ringes, being verily perswaded that they keepe them from all manner of grypings and paines of the belly and the small guttes. But the Art (as they terme it) is in taking of it out, for they say it must be taken out of the head alive, before the Toad be dead, with a peece of cloth of the colour of red Skarlet, where-withall they [sc. the toads] are much delighted, so that they stretch out themselves as it were in sport upon that cloth, they cast out the stone of their head, but instantly they sup it up againe, unlesse it be taken from them through some secrete hole in the said cloth, whereby it falleth into a cestern or vessell of water, into which the Toade dareth not enter, by reason of the coldnes of the water. These things writeth Mossarius.

Brasavolus saith, that he found such a thing in the head of a Toade, but he rather tooke it to be a bone then a stone, the colour wherof was browne, inclyning to blacknes. Some say it is double, namely outwardly a hollow bone, and inwardly a stone contained therein, the vertue whereof is said to breake, prevent, or cure the stone in the bladder. Now how this stone should be there ingendered, there are divers opinions also, & they say that stones are ingendered in living creatures two manner of wayes, either throuh heate, or extreame cold, as in the Snaile, Pearch, Crabbe, Indian Tortizes and toades; so that by extremitie of cold this stone should be gotten.

Against this opinion the colour of the stone is objected, which is some-times white, sometimes browne, or blackish, having a cittrine or blew spot in the middle, sometimes all greene, wher-upon is naturally engraven the figure of a Toade: and this stone is somtimes called Borax, sometimes Crapodinæ, and sometimes Nisæ, or Nusa, and Chelonites. Others doe make two kindes of these stones, one resembling a great deale of Milke mixed with a little blood, so that the white exceedeth the Redde, and yet both are apparant and visible: the other all blacke, wherein they say is the picture of a Toade, with her legges spredde before and behind. And it is further affirmed, that if both these stones be held in ones hand in the presence of poyson, it will burne him. The probation of this stone, is by laying of it to a live Toade, and if she lift up her head against it, it is good, but if she run away from it, it is a counterfeyte.

Geor: Agricola calleth the greater kind of these stones, Brontia, and the lesser & smoother sort of stones, Cerauniæ, although some cõtrary this opinion, saying that these stones Brantia & Cerauniæ, are bred on the earth by thundering and lightning. Whereas it is said before, that the generation of this stone in the Toade proceedeth of colde, that is utterly unpossible, for it is described to be so solid and firme, as nothing can be more had, and therefore I cannot assent unto that opinion, for unto hard and solide things, is required abundance of heate: and againe, it is unlikely, that whatsoever this Toad-stone be, that there should be any store of them in the world as are every where visible, if they were to be taken out of the Toades alive, and therefore I rather agree with Saluedensis a Spaniard, who thinketh that it is begotten by a certaine viscous spume, breathed out uppon the head of some Toade, by her fellowes in the Spring-time.

This stone is that which in auncient time was called Batrachites, and they attribute unto it a vertue besides the former, namely, for the breaking of the stone in the bladder, and against the Falling-sicknes. And they further write that it is a discoverer of present poyson, for in the presence of poyson it will change the colour. And this is the substaunce of that which is written about this stone. Now for my part I dare not conclude either with it or against it, for Hermolaus, Massarius, Albertus, Sylvaticus, and others, are directlie for this stone ingendered in the braine or head of the Toade: on the other side, Cardan and Gesner confesse such a stone by name and nature, but they make doubt of the generation of it, as others have delivered; and therefore they beeing in sundry opinions, the hearing wereof might confound the Reader, I will referre him for his satisfaction unto a Toade, which hee may easily every day kill: For although when the Toade is dead, the vertue thereof be lost, which consisted in the eye, or blew spot in the middle, yet the substaunce remaineth, and if the stone be found there in substance, then is the question at an end, but if it be not, then must the generation of it be sought for in some other place.

We shall end with two other quotations, the first from Shakespeare, the second from Devoto. The latter is talking from the point of view of an insect rather than a toad, but let’s not be picky.

“Sweet are the uses of adversity; / Which, like the toad, ugly and venomous, / Wears yet a precious jewel in his head”.

“But the brightest jewel inside of me / Glows with pleasure at my own stupidity”

When the entomologist Harold Maxwell Lefroy – scourge of the house fly and founder of Rentokil – choked to death on a gas insecticide of his own invention, his last words were: “The little beggars got the best of me this time!”

Ian Pindar, reviewing Bugs And The Victorians by J F M Clark

Astute reader Roland Clare reminds me that the soft drink sloshed all over the canteen table by the narrator of Impugned By A Peasant was the subject of an Andy Warhol painting.

Three Cans Of Squelcho! (1966) recently fetched untold billions of dollars at auction. The buyer remained anonymous, though the word on the street* suggests the picture now hangs in the foetid lair of the Grunty Man, up in the hills. The Grunty Man has been a keen art collector for some centuries. If you look very, very carefully, you can spot him at the back of the auction scene in North By Northwest, where Roger O Thornhill (Cary Grant) confronts Philip Vandamm (James Mason) and causes a kerfuffle.

* NOTE : Blister Lane, apparently.

Thanks to Peter Ashley at Unmitigated England, I have found the perfect location to shoot the terrifying Hitchcockian chiller The Cows. ‘Tis the wonderfully-named Sludge Hall Farm, a place Blunkett would not dare approach…

Incidentally, I think “WH” is cow shorthand for “War (on) Humans”.  Readers might like to suggest other possibilities in the comments.

ADDENDUM : Back in 2006, we noted a particularly alarming example of cow nomenclature. Collect your wits, do a Winslety “gather”, and go here.

The Daily Beast has a set of “Classic Photography In Lego” by Mike Stimpson, a man with the good sense to include a snap of Yoko Ono. Her late husband, who I understand was a whiny Liverpudlian pop singer, is also in the shot, but sometimes one must take the chaff with the wheat.

In a review of Ian Jack’s The Country Formerly Known As Great Britain, Rachel Cooke writes:

Almost all of these wonderful pieces were commissioned by newspapers and magazines. They would never have worked, and would not now work, on the internet, which is so very interested in speed and sensation and so resolutely uninterested in well-researched thoughtfulness; in essays on bus conductors and Sundays and the seaside; in all the small, strange things that make us who we are.

This seems to me to be utter poppycock. There is abundant “well-researched thoughtfulness” in Interwebshire, plenty about bus conductors and seaside resorts, and a cornucopia of those small, strange things. Hooting Yard is merely one tiny haven of such delights. And surely if one is seeking vapid drivel and “sensation”, one need look no further than the Grauniad and the Observer (where the review appears).

The book itself looks well worth reading:

Jack notes that 1956 was the year in which he and his parents ate their first “tin of baked beans that also included sausages”, a meal taken while sheltering from the rain beneath a bridge at Lanercost Priory, near Hadrian’s Wall. “My,” said his father, “but this is good!”

You can rarely go wrong with a sausage anecdote.

“my swooning was entirely occasioned by an accidental impression of fetid effluvia upon nerves of uncommon sensibility. I know not how other people’s nerves are constructed; but one would imagine they must be made of very coarse materials, to stand the shock of such a horrid assault. It was, indeed, a compound of villainous smells, in which the most violent stinks, and the most powerful perfumes, contended for the mastery. Imagine to yourself a high exalted essence of mingled odours, arising from putrid gums, imposthumated lungs, sour flatulencies, rank arm-pits, sweating feet, running sores and issues, plasters, ointments, and embrocations, Hungary-water, spirit of lavender, asafoetida drops, musk, hartshorn, and sal volatile; besides a thousand frowsy steams, which I could not analyse. Such, O Dick! is the fragrant ether we breathe in the polite assemblies of Bath; such is the atmosphere I have exchanged for the pure, elastic, animating air of the Welsh mountains.”

Tobias Smollett, The Expedition Of Humphry Clinker (1771)

Would that Alfred Hitchcock were with us now! It is time, surely, for a new version of The Birds called The Cows. First they attacked David Blunkett, which is understandable, but now they have killed a holidaying veterinary surgeon. Is there not authentic Hitchcockian menace in this report?

around lunchtime they heard “an unusual bellow”

“I looked out of the window and saw the lady in question stood up against the wall, she had a stick and was shaking it, trying to get the cows away.”

Mrs Johnson said she could see the cows “all stood, huddled together in an arch”

Crowsley’s body was found leaning against a stone wall and a semi-circle of cows close by.

Photo by Quilted

It is encouraging to note that a universal panacea for all ills* was discovered as long ago as 1883. Following a morally uplifing tale of gruel, the North Otago Times (at Papers Past) carries a recommendation for hop bitters.

And if they don’t work, keep reading, and discover the benefits of German Syrup.

*NOTE : If you’re going to practise tautology, do it properly!

The New Psalmanazar reminds us of catalogues of lost or imaginary books compiled by Sir Thomas Browne and François Rabelais, which in turn reminded me that for some time I have been planning an exhaustive catalogue raisonné of the out of print pamphlets of Dobson. This would be an inestimable boon to the amateur Dobsonist, unable to gain access to the official archive because they haven’t got either a ticket or a key or indeed a clue as to which high Alpine pass it is situated in.

François Rabelais

Many, many, many of Dobson’s pamphlets have been mentioned in these pages over the years, but even that fragmentary list has never been cobbled together into a coherent whole. Mr Key himself has avoided the task, sad to say, forever devising new and ludicrous excuses, such as flint in the heart or reruns of Daktari. A while ago, there was a suggestion that a team of feral teenagers could be taken off the streets and locked in a bunker until they had compiled a complete list, but it was rightly objected that they could not be trusted to resist appending “innit” to the end of each title. Judicious Tippexing could expunge such desecration, but who would wield the Tippex?

Sir Thomas Browne

Alas, it seems the Dobson catalogue raisonné may have to join a list of lost or imagined catalogues, alongside such magisterial lists as The Map Reference Points Of 400 Duckponds Mentioned In Binder’s Lieder and All Pebblehead’s Cravats, Illustrated And Itemised.

“Banksy should have been put down at birth” – Brian Sewell, here.

I had never before visited ephemera assemblyman, but I am glad I did, and you will be too.

I particularly enjoyed Dying Speeches Execution Broadsides, which contains much that is gruesome, in a chronologically distant, non-threatening way. Oddly, no mention is made of the killer Babinsky, whose gore-splattered end would make some of the scenes depicted look more like the twee adventures of Pippy The Pit Pony. I shall transcribe an account of Babinsky’s doom here shortly, when I can face typing up the details without emptying my guts all over the place.

Mr Key is off to the seaside today, possibly to an ill-starred resort with a rotting jetty beset by squalls. When one prances out along a pier or jetty, there is always a distinct possibility of toppling over and plummeting in to the sea. So I shall be going well-prepared, with my 1869-vintage life-saving suit, complete with Eureka! companion buoy kitted out with water, food, reading material (so that I may read the news to pass the time of day), cigars, a pipe and tobacco, plus torches.

From Ptak Science Books, with thanks to peacay for drawing it to my attention.

When OutaSpaceman wrote to tell me about an online seal maker, my immediate reaction was one of terror. Has technology advanced to such a stage, I wondered, that with a laptop and an interweb connection one can actually create a pinniped, with flippers, that will bark at you as you throw sprats to it from a bucket? It was with no little relief that I learned it was not that kind of seal.

As the world mourns Edward “The Tedster” Kennedy, let us not forget another American politician of the era, whose life we can celebrate by banding together in an association of enthusiasts to practise his favourite pastime.

UPDATE : Over at The Pavilion Of Innocent Pastimes, Glyn has been making the other type of seals.