Hail to thee, O mighty Mr Key!, writes Tim Thurn, sarcastically, before lapsing into his usual embittered petulance, I’ve got a bone to pick with you. It is a good few years now since you revealed, without warning, the existence … Continue reading
I have received a bat-letter from Miss Dimity Cashew. Dear Mr Key, she writes, Like most people, I have always believed that the hideous bat god Fatso is the most terrifying of all bat deities. This has been an article … Continue reading
I read in the paper today that the Archbishop of York’s press officer is himself being ordained as a priest. He has taken this step because, apparently, he “wants to be more like Jesus Christâ€. If we accept his belief … Continue reading
Long, long ago, so long ago that the Malice Aforethought Press was not even a twinkle in my eye, I wrote a poem entitled My Plankton Theory. Here it is: All my life I’d waited To announce my plankton theory … Continue reading
We all know that good manners cost nothing, and that civility makes the world bearable. Here, then, are some useful extracts from the forthcoming Hooting Yard Book Of Etiquette: Correct Form Of Address When Ushered Into The Presence Of Prince … Continue reading
It was an overcast morning in July. Pansy Cradledew was up and about at an ungodly hour. Some time later, her inamorato woke up, and, glugging his morning coffee, asked: “So what have you been up to so early in … Continue reading
It is fortunate that your own dear Mr Key is such a level-headed fellow, or I might begin to suffer from delusions of L Ron Hubbarddom. Notwithstanding the enduring popularity of the hideous bat god Fatso, it seems that the … Continue reading
I write these words with immense difficulty, and in frantic haste. If what I believe is true, I have little more than an hour, perhaps two, before my mind will lose its moorings, the brain inside my head will be … Continue reading
Things have been quiet here for a while. That is because I have been concentrating on completing my masterwork, the Summa Theologica. As its title indicates, this is a theological summary which attempts to explain the ways of God to … Continue reading
Monsignor’s Log, stardate the Millennium Feast of Saints Blot & Cugat. It was a very special day, so I wore the least tatty of my vestments. The chasuble is only slightly frayed, the stains on the cincture have faded, the … Continue reading
The whole point of this advent calendar hoo-ha is that we are counting towards the celebration of the birth of sweet baby Jesus. Later, grown to mangodhood, Jesus asserted that “I am the way, the truth, and the life: no … Continue reading
Bored by stamps, coins, and football paraphernalia, I decided to collect flies in mud. I began my collection last Saturday, and what with one thing and another have not been able to devote as much time to it as I … Continue reading
“To be clear, Merced does not want to sacrifice a goat in his home. He wants to sacrifice 5-7 goats, 1-2 turtles, 1 duck, 10-14 chickens, 5-7 guinea hens and 10-14 doves all at one time. Keeping and killing that … Continue reading
Just as a bus is the best place for abuse, you should ideally perform abasement in a basement. There is something about the subterranean nature of the location which lends itself to the embrace of personal wretchedness. Obviously the basement … Continue reading
“You can’t cite statements internal to a document to back up the claim that the document is inspired by God and that it is truth without any mixture of error. That doesn’t work, and it doesn’t work for reasons that … Continue reading