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Search Results for: hideous bat god Fatso

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Fatso And Slosher

Posted on Thursday, 21 August, 2014 by Frank Key
1

Hail to thee, O mighty Mr Key!, writes Tim Thurn, sarcastically, before lapsing into his usual embittered petulance, I’ve got a bone to pick with you. It is a good few years now since you revealed, without warning, the existence … Continue reading →

Posted in Prose | 1 Reply

Fatso Versus Camazotz

Posted on Wednesday, 6 July, 2011 by Frank Key
2

I have received a bat-letter from Miss Dimity Cashew. Dear Mr Key, she writes, Like most people, I have always believed that the hideous bat god Fatso is the most terrifying of all bat deities. This has been an article … Continue reading →

Posted in Things I Have Learned | 2 Replies

Becoming More Like God

Posted on Friday, 29 June, 2007 by Frank Key
5

I read in the paper today that the Archbishop of York’s press officer is himself being ordained as a priest. He has taken this step because, apparently, he “wants to be more like Jesus Christ”. If we accept his belief … Continue reading →

Posted in Prose | 5 Replies

On My Plankton Theory

Posted on Sunday, 22 April, 2012 by Frank Key
1

Long, long ago, so long ago that the Malice Aforethought Press was not even a twinkle in my eye, I wrote a poem entitled My Plankton Theory. Here it is: All my life I’d waited To announce my plankton theory … Continue reading →

Posted in Essays, Prose, Speak, Memory! | 1 Reply

On Etiquette

Posted on Saturday, 3 March, 2012 by Frank Key
1

We all know that good manners cost nothing, and that civility makes the world bearable. Here, then, are some useful extracts from the forthcoming Hooting Yard Book Of Etiquette: Correct Form Of Address When Ushered Into The Presence Of Prince … Continue reading →

Posted in Essays, Prose | 1 Reply

Scenes Of Domestic Bliss, No. 1

Posted on Wednesday, 13 July, 2011 by Frank Key
1

It was an overcast morning in July. Pansy Cradledew was up and about at an ungodly hour. Some time later, her inamorato woke up, and, glugging his morning coffee, asked: “So what have you been up to so early in … Continue reading →

Posted in Twaddle | 1 Reply

Airy Persiflage

Posted on Saturday, 15 January, 2011 by Frank Key
Reply

It is fortunate that your own dear Mr Key is such a level-headed fellow, or I might begin to suffer from delusions of L Ron Hubbarddom. Notwithstanding the enduring popularity of the hideous bat god Fatso, it seems that the … Continue reading →

Posted in Things I Have Learned | Leave a reply

Mr Key Goes To Innsmouth

Posted on Wednesday, 9 August, 2017 by Frank Key
1

I write these words with immense difficulty, and in frantic haste. If what I believe is true, I have little more than an hour, perhaps two, before my mind will lose its moorings, the brain inside my head will be … Continue reading →

Posted in Prose | 1 Reply

Summa Theologica

Posted on Wednesday, 30 March, 2016 by Frank Key
1

Things have been quiet here for a while. That is because I have been concentrating on completing my masterwork, the Summa Theologica. As its title indicates, this is a theological summary which attempts to explain the ways of God to … Continue reading →

Posted in Prose | 1 Reply

On The Vinegar Valves Of Venus

Posted on Thursday, 7 June, 2012 by Frank Key
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Monsignor’s Log, stardate the Millennium Feast of Saints Blot & Cugat. It was a very special day, so I wore the least tatty of my vestments. The chasuble is only slightly frayed, the stains on the cincture have faded, the … Continue reading →

Posted in Essays, Prose | Leave a reply

Hooting Yard Advent Calendar (v)

Posted on Monday, 5 December, 2011 by Frank Key
1

The whole point of this advent calendar hoo-ha is that we are counting towards the celebration of the birth of sweet baby Jesus. Later, grown to mangodhood, Jesus asserted that “I am the way, the truth, and the life: no … Continue reading →

Posted in Advent Calendar | 1 Reply

Flies In Mud

Posted on Friday, 14 August, 2009 by Frank Key
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Bored by stamps, coins, and football paraphernalia, I decided to collect flies in mud. I began my collection last Saturday, and what with one thing and another have not been able to devote as much time to it as I … Continue reading →

Posted in Prose | Leave a reply

World o’ Goat Sacrifice

Posted on Monday, 3 August, 2009 by Frank Key
4

“To be clear, Merced does not want to sacrifice a goat in his home. He wants to sacrifice 5-7 goats, 1-2 turtles, 1 duck, 10-14 chickens, 5-7 guinea hens and 10-14 doves all at one time. Keeping and killing that … Continue reading →

Posted in Things I Have Learned | 4 Replies

Abasement In A Basement

Posted on Wednesday, 1 April, 2009 by Frank Key
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Just as a bus is the best place for abuse, you should ideally perform abasement in a basement. There is something about the subterranean nature of the location which lends itself to the embrace of personal wretchedness. Obviously the basement … Continue reading →

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Truth And Error

Posted on Thursday, 25 December, 2008 by Frank Key
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“You can’t cite statements internal to a document to back up the claim that the document is inspired by God and that it is truth without any mixture of error. That doesn’t work, and it doesn’t work for reasons that … Continue reading →

Posted in Twaddle | Leave a reply

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