Compare and contrast these two snaps. One shows a trio of carvings from an “Indian cemetery” (reportedly), taken in 1900. The second shows a trio of Channel 4 newsreaders performing a musical number at a charity event (reportedly), taken last … Continue reading
Here is the piece I wrote for BlackberryJuniper And Sherbet a couple of weeks ago, reposted here for the sake of The Complete And Utter Mr Key Prose Experience. It is an exciting time in the world of breakfast. I … Continue reading
Masses will be held at St Bibblybibdib’s today as follows: 6.00 AM – Adoration of the Lamb 7.00 AM – Slaughter of the First-Born 8.00 AM – Veneration of the Avant-Garde Japanese Beatle-Wife 9.00 AM – Veneration of the Avant-Garde … Continue reading
The picture of Pebblehead’s typewriter posted yesterday prompted a bulging postbag, with numerous readers clamouring for further particulars of the bestselling paperbackist’s working practices. Among the commoner questions were: How does Pebblehead manage to bash out so many potboilers? How … Continue reading
The diary of a hallucinating in-patient at the Hoon Hospital, on this day one year ago: I woke up this morning with a head full of verse And at once I called out to the stationery nurse “Bring me pencil … Continue reading
There was a period, in my early teenperson years, when I became an avid reader of the Reader’s Digest. As far as I recall, the younger of my two elder sisters brought a copy into the house. I suppose I … Continue reading
At time of writing, Krishnan Guru-Murthy has nudged ahead of Yoko Ono in our poll to decide on the luminary most deserving of a complimentary Hooting Yard lapel accoutrement. Could it be, I wonder, that the email I fired off … Continue reading
Here at Haemoglobin Towers there is much whirring and clanking as the finishing touches are put to your favourite book of the year, the annual Hooting Yard paperback. The publication of this mighty tome is imminent, imminent I tell you! … Continue reading
Dear Mr Key, writes Poppy Nisbet, I have been commissioned to write a book entitled Fifty Anecdotes About Cream Crackers, and to date I have managed to find only two true life cream cracker-related stories which are even mildly entertaining. … Continue reading
Where is the Emperor? In his bath. Verily, his tub overfloweth. Water scented with bergamot and petunias and lilac cascaded over the side and has formed puddles and streams upon the imperial bathroom floor tiles. Flunkies with mops mop, to … Continue reading
Flares. That’s right, flares. And not just any old flares, but solar flares, up in the heavens, immense and dazzling. Solar flares due to create a space storm that could incapacitate the infrastructure of civilisation on earth. Or, as The … Continue reading
05.30 Awaken and ablute. 06.00 Breakfast upon bloaters. 06.35 Ponder the pariah status of the Pyrenean Cagots, forced to enter churches through a low door, obliging them to stoop almost to the ground as a perpetual memento of their degradation. … Continue reading
It was the day of the annual Channel Four newsreaders’ outing, and this year it was Katie Razzall’s turn to choose their destination. After much thought, peering out of a window of the studio annexe into the pouring rain, she … Continue reading
Hepcat buttonmakers Gravelrenche are, I am sorry to say, in the doldrums. For decades, as fashions came and went, Gravelrenche buttons remained impossibly with-it and groovy, favoured by everyone from beatniks to dowager duchesses. Wander as one might from establishment … Continue reading
I have never been a fan of comic books, nor have I developed a taste for graphic novels. I can admire the skill and inventiveness, but somehow I can’t drum up genuine enthusiasm. Of course, as a child, I had … Continue reading